Are you apologizing wrong? The difference between a connecting and disconnecting apology.

A typical conversation I hear in my couples therapy sessions:

“I told her I was sorry!”

“It wasn’t a real apology, he was just saying sorry to end the fight, he isn’t actually sorry for anything, he still thinks it is my fault”

“Nothing is good enough for you, why did I even bother apologizing”

Does this frustrating conversation sound familiar?

One of the key concepts we explore in therapy is the idea of taking responsibility for your part in a conflict. When each partner hears their partner identify and apologize for their part in a disagreement the apology feels different.

Read the apology below and then close your eyes and picture someone in your life apologizing in this way. How does the apology feel?

“I’m sorry for yelling at you tonight, but when I saw you on your phone at dinner it made me angry”

Now read the apology below and then close your eyes and picture someone in your life apologizing in this way. How does the apology feel?

“I’m sorry for yelling at you tonight, I had a long frustrating day at work and was looking forward to connecting with you. I’ll work on doing better at letting you know when I need uninterrupted connection”

My guess is these two apologies FEEL very different.

Did the first one bring up feelings of anger and defensiveness, maybe you wanted to walk away from this person?

Did the second one feel respectful and connecting, maybe you wanted to give this person a hug? Maybe you even thought about apologizing as well?

The difference in the two apologies is simple in concept:

Apology 1: There was a “but” included that negated the apology and actually put the blame on the partner, the “but” suggests “YOU, are responsible for my behavior” This apology might be a sign of being stuck in a cycle of criticism and defensiveness in the relationship.

Apology 2: Took responsibility, it suggests “I am responsible for my behavior”. This apology might be a sign of being on the same team even in moments of conflict!

However a connecting apology can be hard to execute:

Most people didn’t grow up hearing their parents apologize and if they did it was often a “but” apology. Due to the lack of experience we don’t know how connecting it can feel to give and receive an apology that takes responsibility.

The Basic Formula

I apologize + insert unwanted behavior

“I’m sorry for yelling at you tonight

There are times when we are not able to quickly identify what led to the unwanted behavior or how we want to change, in those cases the above apology is a great start. Just DO NOT insert a “but”.

Other times we are able to reflect and an even better apology can be offered.

The Even Better Formula

I apologize + insert unwanted behavior + insert what was going on with YOU

“I’m sorry for yelling at you tonight, I had a long frustrating day at work and was looking forward to connecting with you.”

And sometimes we are really in touch with our inner world and can offer an expert apology.

The Expert Formula

I apologize + insert unwanted behavior + insert what was going on with YOU + insert intention to change and/or relationship need

 “I’m sorry for yelling at you tonight, I had a long frustrating day at work and was looking forward to connecting with you. I’ll work on doing better at letting you know when I need uninterrupted connection”

Offering a connecting apology might result in a wild anomaly I call a dual apology!

Yes, your partner, kid, friend, might also accept their part in the conflict and apologize back to you! Wild, I know!

A dual apology conversation might look like this:

P1: “I’m sorry for yelling at you tonight, I had a long frustrating day at work and was looking forward to connecting with you. I’ll work on doing better at letting you know when I need uninterrupted connection”

P2: “Thank you for apologizing. I’m sorry for being on my phone at dinner, I’m working on disconnecting from work when I get home and still finding it challenging. I want to connect with you also. Can we hug it out and start over?” 

P1: “Yes!”

Partners Engage in a Long Connecting Hug

P1: “Do you think maybe we should bring this up in couples therapy next week? It seems like we keep getting in arguments over phone use?”

P2: “That’s a great idea, it does seem like a reoccurring topic.”

If exploring disconnecting patterns of communication is something you are interested in please reach out for a free consultation.